A is for:

Archway – Could be better, neglected corner of otherwise recently re-gentrified area of North.

Acton – Irritating place. I used to work here. Full of pigeons and chuggers. Nelson ain’t got shit on this place. Trendy fact: When Banksy wants to paint pictures of rats on tube trains he uses the district line depot behind Acton hospital.

Aldgate – One of the seven gates of the City. Very little going for it unless you want to ride the whole of the Big Met. The shops round here are always shut, and it got blown up not to long ago.

Angel – Nice, but so done.

B is for:

Bow – This area used to be quite fun, now, like almost everywhere else in east London, it’s become an overflow pound for Hoxtonite morons.

Black Heath – They say it’s Hampstead of the South. Yes but it’s in South.

Belsize Park – A safety net to catch the Hampstead toffs as they slide down the hill to the filth of Camden.

C is for:

Camden – Covered in aforementioned filth, also famous for drug dealers, and low level crime. The previously civilized bastion of Inverness Street has been taken over by Somalian gangs who insist on kissing their teeth at me whenever I am waiting for my bus.

Canary Wharf – Poor cousin of The Square Mile. In this case Canary means dog.

Covent Garden – Full of wankers on stilts trying to take your money.

D is for:

Dagenham – A real dive. Full of unemployed Ford workers, also thousands of roundabouts, maybe for testing cars, but very annoying if you’re in a rush to somewhere else, which you would be.

Dalston. – Better than it used to be, but that’s not saying much is it.

E is for:

Earls Court. – Great if you love Walkabout style pubs, and cruising.

Ealing. – Much like Acton.

Elephant and Castle. – Shit hole. Home to the worst pedestrian underpass imaginable. Couldn’t be further from being a castle if it tried.

F is for:

Finchley – The name is an abomination on the English language, the place is just an abomination.

Farringdon – Always full of tourists looking for Fabric and pills. It’s always windy along Farringdon road, doesn’t matter what the weather is elsewhere, and the dirt from the gutter gets blown in to your eyes. Geek fact: Plague victims are buried in pits under the Farringdon tunnels, said to be the most haunted place in London, you can definitely feel something down there.

G is for:

Gunnersbury – Looks like some sort of ghost town, wide roads with nobody on them.

Golders Green – Great for Kosher food, shit for everything else.

Greenwich – Nothing to do once you’ve looked round the Cutty Sark, unless you like steep hills and wine bars, in which case you may as well go to Hampstead.

H is for:

Hampstead – Like a mini police state, neighbourhood watch and residents association galore. Get arrested for not being rich enough to live round there, or run over by a fake tanned, yoga fatigued mum in a jeep.

Hoxton – If the English language was rolled out like a giant carpet, there wouldn’t be enough stains and scuffs on it to illustrate this place. Hell. The closest thing London has to Satan’s kingdom. The people that hang out there do so because they wouldn’t fit in anywhere else. Interesting fact: Hoxton is unofficially twinned with Williamsburg in Brooklyn, it too is full of wankers.

Harrow – Needs an ‘ing’ on the end to describe what it must be like to live there.

I is for:

Ilford – Very close to Essex, in fact it is Essex, and somehow pointless.

Islington – Fine until people start referring to it as ‘Issie’.

J is for:

Judd Street – Not an area I know, just a street I find particularly annoying, very slow with the CTRL work going on around it.

K is for:

Kensington – Posh, expensive, ultimate address of aspiring slone type. You will get dirty looks for not having head to toe cashmere.

Kentish Town – They should take it out to the countryside and dump it, then it could be a real town. People always say it’s great because capitalism hasn’t come and taken over the local feel. True, but the local feel is shit.

Kings Cross – You only ever go there as a way of getting somewhere else. It’s a dirty, whore ridden hole and thoroughly deserving of its reputation.

L is for:

Lewisham – Just downright nasty, there used to be lots of race issues but I think they may have moved down the road to Eltham.

M is for:

Manor House – Basically a main road intersection between Finsbury Park and Green Lanes, neither of which you would want to go to.

Mudchute – At least it makes no bones about what it is.

Muswell Hill - Not much to say about this. Aside from providing a spacious stomping ground for Chris and Alexis I just don't see a lot of point in it.
N is for:

Northwick Park – I can never work out if this is supposed to be London

Norwood – A strange place, very very far South, other than its railway junction it has little else going for it.

Neasden – Suburban and very dull, no one will admit to coming from here.

O is for:

Oval – Jack Straw lives here, and so do a lot of other not very interesting people.

P is for:

Park Royal – Ironically named, can’t imagine anywhere less lightly to see a royal. Other than bowling alleys and carpet warehouses there is nothing.

Piccadilly - Noisy, dirty, nightmare to drive through, the second worst place in London to spend New Year after Trafalgar Square

Putney – Like Gunnersbury, just the other side of the river.

Q is for:

Queens Park. – No park, and even if there were, there’s no way you’d find any Queens in it, of either variety.

R is for:

Richmond. – Very very expensive, very very pretentious. A place where people from the sticks go to say they have been into ‘town’.

Russell Square. – Has some of the most overrated hotels in London on its sides. Not much reason to go there if you’re not a doctor.

S is for:

Shoreditch. – As they say in Leeds ‘I wouldn’t touch it with yours’. Almost as bad as Hoxton.

Stonebridge Park. – Officially the most dangerous part of North. If you want chicken cooked over a rubbish filled barrel on the street it is a must.

T is for:

The Thames. – I know it’s not really a place, but as urban rivers go it’s pretty shit.

Tulse Hill – It’s a bit like Lewisham.

Tottenham - Shit football club. Shit place. Full of tight shirted tossers.

U is for:

Upminster – The closest thing London has to the countryside, because it is the countryside. You might as well go to the real countryside.

Uxbridge – Like Upminster it is basically countryside, it seems this is a theme amongst places whose name begins with the letter ‘U’.

V is for:

Victoria – I really don’t like it round here, people always trying to get you to go and stay in their backpackers hostel, or cheap hotel. Also a real fucker to drive through, the roads trap you into going into the congestion zone.

W is for:

Wood Green – On all counts this is a shit hole, the Holly-Wood Green cinema complex is the only thing standing between the young of the area and habitual crime. The place can be compared to one of the many doner kebabs sold on its streets every day. Unhygienic, cheap, and something you’d only consider at the end of many drinks.